


Red vs Blue vs Night Vale

by ThatWriter32



Category: Red vs Blue, Red vs. Blue, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 14:30:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13078845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWriter32/pseuds/ThatWriter32
Summary: Well holy hecking shit, it seems nobody else has done this yet, so me and my equally heroic friend have taken it upon ourselves to gift you with this hot mess of a crossover. You’re welcome.Shit happens, our Reds and Blues end up in Night Vale, and everything goes about as well as you’d expect. Which is to say, it quickly spirals out of control, and shenanigans commence.





	1. Another Fucking Desert

“God damn it, Tucker!” Church complained over the comms. “Stop filling the feed with your shitty pick up lines, I’m trying to catch a signal!” 

“You’re just jealous I’ve got such game, Church,” Tucker grumbled. Church huffed and tried again. A second or so later a strange voice came through the speakers. 

“-in other troubling news, a recent wheat and wheat-byproduct bust was made by the Sheriff's secret police. The depraved individuals responsible for this accumulation of the illicit substance are, luckily, now in custody, and will no longer menace our law-abiding community-" Before Church could even think to say what the fuck, the entirety of the jungle canyon disappeared.

⥥⥣⥥⥣⥥⥣

“Any dinner ideas?”   
Carlos glanced down at his phone, smiling at the new message through well-used lab goggles. He decided to wait until the weather started, knowing how easily Cecil could stray from reporting the news to broadcasting their love-life with even a simple text. Which was adorable, of course, but he knew fine well to not place too much trust in his husband’s filter. From experience. He grinned to himself at the early memories, when he first found himself in Night Vale. The idea that he could go from having a stranger gushing about him to building a life with that same person was jarring in the greatest way.  
Letting his focus drift back to his work and Cecil’s voice from the radio, who was going on about the small wheat-ring that had been uncovered.   
“Objective journalism, my ass.” He laughed to himself. Cecil had a habit of telling it like it was, and then completely ignoring that. But again, this was another trait that was attractive, and made possible their completely illegal breakfasts of french toast, smuggled muffins, or simply a fresh loaf of bread made out of sight of any SSP operatives.   
The lights in his lab flickered for a moment before plunging into darkness. To any outsider, this would have been rather ominous, but Carlos simply waited for them to come back on, safe in the knowledge that it was just typical Night Vale.

⥥⥣⥥⥣⥥⥣

When Church came too, his first thought was confusion. Who knew that an AI could be knocked out? His second thought was still confusion. Why could he feel something incredibly heavy laying on him? He didn’t have a physical body, and last he checked, he was in Carolinas head. This was getting a little too weird for him to handle. Regardless, he cracked open his eyes and immediately regretted it. The sun or a light, whatever it was, was incredibly bright. He slammed his eyes shut and groaned, before peeling them open. Slowly his eyes adjusted and he sat up, regretting it when the blood rushed from his head. He waited a moment before a familiar voice made him regret waking up. 

“Church! You are okay!” Caboose exclaimed, grabbing Church in a bone crushing hug. 

“I’m fine buddy,” Church barely choked out. Church was finally released from Cabooses arms and took a deep breath. He glanced around and saw Wash and Tucker a few feet away, Carolina supported by them. The reds were scattered around them each conversing curiously. Church made his way over to them, Caboose following him like a lost puppy. 

“What in the ever-loving fuck happened?” Church asked, pointing at Carolina. 

“I have no idea” Wash said. “But I think Carolina fell and twisted her ankle.” 

“I told you I can stand on my own!” Carolina said, trying to tug herself away from Wash and Tucker. 

“Right, because the last time you said that you fell over,” Wash said. Carolina gave Wash a tight lipped stare in response. 

“Who is that Church?” Caboose interrupted, pointing in a random direction. 

“What the fuck are you talking about Caboose?” Church narrowed his eyes, staring in the direction Caboose was pointing. 

“The tall, glowing thing.” 

“Caboose, do you mean the sun?” Tucker asked. 

“No, the sun is short Tucker, everyone knows that. It’s over there!” Once again Caboose pointed. This time Church was able to make out the faint outline of… something. 

“No, he’s right, there is something out there,” Church said, pointing with Caboose. 

“Great, we’ve lost Church too,” Tucker groaned. 

“Shut the fuck up and look,” Church bitched. Tucker, Wash, and Carolina turned, causing the attention of the reds to shift towards them. 

“What in sam hell is going on?” Sarge exclaimed, crossing his arms. It was a little weird seeing him without a helmet, but Church tried to ignore it. 

“Nobody knows, dumbass,” Church groaned. Sarge narrowed his eyes, but glanced in the direction Caboose was pointing. 

“Who is it?” Simmons asked. 

“I don’t know, but we should follow them-” Carolina was cut off as Caboose screamed. 

“HELLO MISSUS LADY! CAN YOU HEAR ME?” Caboose screamed across the expanse of sand. 

“Caboose please!” Carolina moaned. “We shouldn’t have alerted them-.” Once again Carolina was cut off as a giant winged… thing, appeared in front of them. 

“Hello!” The thing said, waving its … arm? Church didn’t really know. 

“Well, I guess I’ve finally lost it.” Wash said. 

“I don’t want to die! I’m too beautiful!” Grif yelled. 

“Shut the fuck up Grif! If it wanted to kill us, it would have already done it. Or at least it would kill you.” Simmons said. “So, not to be rude or anything, but what the hell are you?” 

“Oh, well, thank you for asking! I’m an angel.” It said.   
“Honestly, not the worst answer we’ve gotten to that.” Simmons responded, shrugging.  
Faintly, Church could hear the sound of tires squealing, along with the loud wailing of a siren. It sounded a bit like… an air raid siren? What the fuck?   
WHAT THE FUCK?   
This was too much for Church to handle. So, there in the middle of the reds, blues, another fucking desert, and an angel, he sat down. 

⥥⥣⥥⥣⥥⥣

“I was thinking we could finish those leftovers from Josie’s potluck, but I’m down with a dinner date too if you’re up for it.” Carlos voiced into the phone, the weather now playing in the background. Trocadero was the current forecast, and the music created a great mood for his conversation.  
“Eh, my ankle’s still a little sore from the last mobbing. Leftovers sound wonderful.”  
Cecil’s poorly concealed discomfort created a soft smile on Carlos’ face.  
“Oooohooh, does mister tough radio host need to be taken care of?”   
“Well, that depends on if a very handsome scientist will be the one taking care of me, but I think I can count on him.”  
“Oh my god, you’re a dork.” Carlos snorted. Suddenly, the soft music was overridden by the nearby Angel-acknowledgement-siren. Ugh.  
“Cecil, honey, I’m gonna have to let you go-”  
“Yeah no I can hear it through the phone, I know. I’ll see you tonight?”  
“Definitely. Love ya babe”  
“You too. Bye for now”  
Pocketing his phone, Carlos squinted out into the bright desert expanse, quietly hoping that whoever was stupidly calling attention to themselves got a hard time for it.


	2. Standing and talking

“What the fuck are you doing Church?” Tucker asked. 

“I’ve put up with too much bullshit Tucker, I’ve given up. I’m gonna sit here until either we die, or this shit blows over, or it all turns out to be some fucked-sideways dream and I wake up with Caboose almost suffocating me in my bed.” Tucker snorted and Wash shook his head. 

“At least help us set Carolina down,” Wash said. Church just stared at Wash, while Carolina angrily pulled herself from Wash’s grip. 

“I can sit down fine on my own, thanks.” She sat down, well more like threw, herself to the ground. She winced almost invisibly and no one except Church and Wash noticed. Church snorted and Wash sighed like a disappointed dad. A helicopter was heard overhead and Church just felt like dying, He didn’t deserve this. Sure, sometimes he was a shit person (okay most of the time) but that didn’t mean he deserved everything he got stuck with. 

“SCATTER!” The entirety of the reds screamed. Simmons took off behind Sarge, and Grif… well, Grif just kind of gave up after a few jogging steps, and sat down next to Church and Carolina. 

“I’m not dying next to the kissass.” he said.

“We wouldn’t have to worry about dying if CHURCH WOULD JUST RUN MY GOD DAMN HEALING UNIT” Carolina suddenly yelled, causing even the now-distant figure of Sarge to jump slightly before continuing onward.

 

“Does it look like I am a fucking glowly AI right now!?” Church exclaimed, turning towards Carolina. 

“Oh” She immediately quieted down. “I hadn’t noticed.” 

“YOU-YOU DIDN’T NOTICE A CERTAIN EMPTINESS IN YOUR HEAD? OR THE FACT THAT I SUDDENLY HAVE A FACE AGAIN.” 

 

“HEY YOU’RE NOT THE ONE WITH THE SHIT LEG, ASSHOLE. I WAS FOCUSED ELSEWHERE.”Carolina spit. Church rolled his eyes and nearly screamed when a voice sounded from above. 

“ATTENTION INTERLOPERS” a megaphone-wielding woman suddenly shouted from the hovering helicopter above them “YOU ARE BEING TICKETED FOR THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF NOT-ANGELS. DO YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTIONS TO SAID CHARGES?”

Everyone, even the “angel”, (who had made their way back to the group with an interested expression) and the sparring semi-siblings stared in stunned silence at the officer. Tucker, always having a way with words, was the first to break the silence. 

“What the fuck?” 

Unfortunately, these were the final words the group heard before being knocked out again, this time by multiple tranq-darts, which left Church with an extremely angering sense of deja-vu.

⥥⥣⥥⥣⥥⥣

Driving home at the end of a typical Night Vale day was never really typical, but even so, the Secret Police sending Carlos multiple texts, emails, and snapchat IMs was especially strange. He called Cecil.  
“Hey Cece, I might end up being a little late home. The Sheriff's office needs to see me for some reason?”  
“Wait they’re asking for you too?” came the immediate response.  
“...Yeah...See you there I guess?” Carlos said quietly, now truly confused. He didn’t expect this to be his Tuesday night, but at least he was going to be late with Cecil, instead of late for him.   
“Heh, yeah see ya there.” was Cecil’s only outward thought on the subject, but Carlos was sure he was just as tweaked out as he was at that moment. The SSP called Carlos down frequently for help on science-related issues or particularly hard to explain occurrences, but they almost never called for both him and Cecil. And Cecil was typically only called down for updates on municipal news and the City Counsel’s newest propaganda scheme.  
His string of thought was sharply interrupted by a bright red figure crossing the street.   
“What the hell-is he holding a shotgun?!” Carlos said to himself. He tapped the horn, gaining the attention of the rather threatening looking man.  
“Hey pal, you need a ride or something?” he called out and rolled his window down.  
“Finally! A responsible civilian, doing his duty. I am lookin’ for whatever authority figure this place has. Me and my squad are in a bit of a predicament.”  
Carlos, deciding to test his luck and trust the armored man, reached over and opened the passenger side door.  
“I was actually just headed down to the police station. I’m sure someone there can help you out or get you in touch with the mayor.” he said as the stranger stepped in. “I didn’t catch your name?” he quickly asked. 

“Sarge.” 

“I’m sorry, what?” 

“I said Sarge, son!” 

“Is that why you called me a civilian? What army are you serving all the way out here?”

“THE MAGNIFICENT AND VASTLY SUPERIOR RED ARMY, also, the planet of Chorus, but that’s not as important. 

“...Planet.” Carlos repeated, honestly just doing his best to reach the SSP office without having an aneurysm. “Okay. Why do you have all that armor on if you're not bothering with a helmet?” 

“GREAT QUESTION. See, that’s the problem, none of my squad knows where they are. Not even Simmons, shame, I had hope for the boy. “

“So you lost your helmets? I’m sure the SSP would be happy to help find them, they love the “search and rescue” directives.”

“That’s the other thing. We also seemed t’ have lost our previous dimensional position along with our helmets. “  
“...I get the feeling that that’s what you should lead with when you get there.” Before Sarge could continue, Carlos pulled up the sheriff's office parking lot, much to his relief. Cecil was there too, with a beautiful, albeit befuddled expression.  
He was sure this was going to be an interesting night.

⥥⥣⥥⥣⥥⥣

Walking the few miles to the police station from work, Cecil was exactly as confused as Carlos had guessed. No upcoming elections, no terrifying force threatening the town, no nothing, so why the hell was he being asked to come down? And along with Carlos, for that matter? Not that he was complaining, of course. He just had a sneaking fear that this was about the bread consumption.   
The steady chupping of an SSP helicopter brought his attention upwards. Spotting one of his neighbors in the cockpit, he waved his arm wide. The landing aircraft sent up a plume of dust, starkly contrasting against the darkening sky. He smiled at the pilot, a woman he only knew as Naomi, moving his eyes to meet with Sheila, one of his closer friends in the SSP.   
“You lookin’ for a lift to the station, Cecil?”  
“You know it!”  
“You got it, but I should warn you, we got some new guys in back, found’m out on the edge of town, yelling and interacting with one of the Erikas. Probably would’ve just ticketed them but they were armed. The few that are awake seem pretty chill, though.”  
“Who am I to turn down that kind of interview!”  
“Pfft. Hop in already, man.”   
Smiling and letting himself grow calm again in the comforting space of the chopper, he was greeted by the sight of eight armor plated, semi-conscious strangers, and the feeling of stability quickly fizzled out. One of the more cognizant of the group, a young man in blue-green, quickly spotted his movements into the small cabin.   
“Heyy, you look important, you know what the fucks goin on here?”  
Surprised by the oddly-put compliment, Cecil decided to place some trust into these new individuals.  
“In general, no never, but right now we’re all headed to the police station. You guys aren’t in much trouble, if you’re concerned about that.”  
“Nahh, I’m super awesome so I only worry about my friends but SSSHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh don’t tell them that cause they think I’m cool. What are they taking us down for this time?”  
“Acknowledging the existence of angelic beings, specifically the one you met on the outskirts of town.”  
“Ah right that dude, yeah he was chill. He’s not in trouble?”  
“No the legal system is still trying to figure out how you arrest someone that legally isn’t real.”  
“Sounds like a pretty cool system. The only time I legally didn’t exist was when the Reds deleted our information off of the UNSC files and I stopped getting a paycheck, which SUCKkkkkkeedd major dick.”  
Smirking now, Cecil glanced around the crowded cabin. Another young man, in deep blue armor this time, sleepily waved at him. He waved back, smiling more. These guys hardly seemed dangerous.   
“You said the Reds? Who are they?”  
“That one in maroon is Simmons, the gold one is Grif-” “is orANGE FUCK YOU” “-HAha, the pink one over there is Donut-” “heeeeeyyyyyyy” “-and the actually red one is- oh fuck. Well, Sarge is not here, which is probably really bad, but yeah, red team shit.”  
Cecil knitted his brows together quizzically. “I take it you’ve since made up?”  
“Oh hell yeah, that shits old news. Last time the Reds pissed me off was like last Thursday when Grif stole my bottle of Smirnoff I had saved since fuckin Basic and drank like half of it-” “I REGRET NOTHING.” “- shut up, douche. But yeah, we’re pretty cool now. There’s not much time to fight a fake war when we have a real one to kick ass in, ya know?” “That’s definitely true. I’m assuming you’d be part of a blue team?” “Fuck yeah, and we’re the best team. Church is the lightweight who can’t stay awake for shit, Caboose is the one sitting next to you-” “hi” (it was at this point Cecil launched into the air out of shock) “-I’m Tucker, the one and only, Wash is the gray one that honestly needed that nap, and Carolina is the murdery looking one-” “that’s about right yeah” “-and that's the whole gang. Are we landing?” Cecil, still a bit overwhelmed with taking notes and absorbing all of...that, finally noticed that they had reached their destination.   
“...Yes we are. Watch the drop.” Cecil glanced at the still-knocked out Church. “You want help carrying him in?”

⥥⥣⥥⥣⥥⥣

When Church awoke, he was pissed. Actually beyond pissed, he was furious. This was the SECOND time he’d gotten knocked out within the span of 30 minutes. Why, in fucking everything, was he this unlucky?! Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to wallow in his anger and self-pity, as he was the last one to wake again. Once again, Church was crushed in a hug by Caboose. 

“Best friend Church! You are aw-.”

“Yes Caboose, I’m awake again” Church interrupted Caboose. A noise from outside the cell? Room? Whatever it was that they were locked in, stopped Church in his tracks. 

“EXCUSE ME? Could I talk to your superior?” A muffled southern accent exclaimed. Church was a badass person, and frankly, amazing. But in this moment, Church wanted to cry. 

“Can I please get away from any of you people!” Church cried and banged his head against the wall. Suddenly a door busted open and there was Sarge. Church shouldn’t have said anything. A curly brown haired man followed Sarge. Damn, Church had always had a thing for blondes, but that man was attractive. Soft brown eyes, matched chocolate skin, and perfect hair, and damn was Church gay. Church was snapped out of his musings, by a blonde haired man that followed the curly haired one. Oh fuck. I want them both, shitfuck. Church finally was released from the very, very, very interesting daydreams, by a hand slapping the back of his head. He rubbed the back of his head and turned to bitch at the person, and found Carolina standing up, a smirk on her face. 

“You’re staring, brother dear.” Church blushed, and Carolina giggled in an extremely infuriating way “You play the part of resident dead ashole well, but really, man, you’re such a softy.” Church groaned. 

“PLEASE, forget that ever happened.” 

“Nah.” 

Church groaned again and turned his attention back to the men who walked in with Sarge. He watched them exchange a kiss, and was slightly put off. Whatever, it’s not like he was gonna get any action either way. 

“This here is Carlos and Cecil, and they’ve done a hell of a job helping me save you lot so you show them the respect they damn well deserve!”

Carolina snickered “Oh I’m sure that won’t be an issue.”

 

Church responded with a swift elbow to her bad ankle and she immediately inhaled and managed to expertly stifle a scream of pain before sitting back down, staring daggers at Church. He snorted and turned his attention back Carlos, who already begun talking. 

“Because you kinda just dropped here and disobeyed a few laws, the police wanted to keep you, however, ever since the redhead woke up, she’s been glaring at them, and terrified them into letting you guys go. So, Cecil and I will be your guides here. I should point out that none of this was my idea, and I’m only going along with it because I love my Cecil, and hopefully this will finally free up my evening.”   
Wash raised a tired, still slightly drugged eyebrow.   
“Wooowwww, you sound just ecstatic.” he responded with perfect delivery.  
Tucker did his best to hold in all laughter.  
“That’s because I’ve learned that clearly passive aggressive cheer is the most effective way to get people to comply with simple requests no matter how ridiculous those people seem to behave.”  
Now Cecil similarly sputtered, with a rather shocked expression and a wide grin.  
“OOOH, Wash, that is a burn. You just got burned. Burned, dude, burned!” Donut hollered from the corner of the room.  
Wash simply continued his dazed stare at the two strangers before drifting his eyes shut again “Duly noted.”

 

“AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS BULLSHIT?” Church shrieked, causing everyone to jump slightly. “BECAUSE I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT HOW THE HELL WE ENDED UP HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!”  
“Oh that’s completely normal. That’s how everyone who wasn’t born here gets here.” Cecil stated, seemingly unperturbed by Church’s simmering anger.  
“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! AND WHERE THE HELL IS HERE?”  
“Oh my, how rude of me, I completely forgot. Soldiers, welcome to Night Vale.”


	3. A Couple, An Army, And A Five-headed Dragon

Carlos watched as the group of brightly colored individuals all stared dumbfounded at him and Cecil.  
“And where” Carolina asked through gritted teeth, “is that?”  
“Is that a...trick question?” Cecil countered, looking in a very rare instance, completely lost for words.  
“...No. I need a bit more information than a fucking town name. What colony is this, are we still on Chorus? Where, exactly, are we?”  
“Earth, the US, I think Nevada?” Carlos said, stepping in. “Why do you keep asking about planets? Correct me if I’m wrong, but you are from this planet, correct?”  
Now it was Carolina’s turn to look completely lost.  
Wash sat up, frowning with thought.  
“Carlos, Cecil...What year is it?”  
“Yep, Wash is out” Simmons sighed, laying his head in his hands.  
“2017, why would you ask something like that?” Carlos responded, trailing off as he saw the strangers expressions and realization wormed its way in.  
“Wait WHAT?!” Simmons yelped, Donut fainting with a loud clatter, Church looking like a death row inmate.

 

“You’re serious? This isn’t some fucked joke?”

“Uhm yes, this town might not be the best place to ask, but last I heard, it’s 2017.”

“Now do you see why I was flipping out?” Church asked, holding his hands out as though expecting a reward.

“...CHURCH WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!” Carolina snarled, looking for all the world like the trained killer she was.

“Hell if I know! I just picked up the signal!” Church retorted, quickly throwing his arms up to defend any oncoming blows. “Ohhh shit the signal.”

 

“Wait what year should it be?” Carlos quickly interjected. “Where were you before you were here?”

“I need to sit down, Tucker you take this one.” Church breathed out, staring blankly at his hands.

“OKAY, fuck you too, I guess. We’re from the outer-colonization planet Chorus, and the year 2557, and if Church here hadn’t just quit on me, I could probably give you some of the other details, but he looks really guilty, and I want to enjoy this. Church, buddy, friendo, did you do something to get our asses stuck here?”

Church continued staring off into the distance. 

“Yup, I knew it.” Tucker laughed, looking incredibly close to having a mental crisis. “Anyone got a bright idea? Cause we seem outrageously fucked at this point.”

“I feel obligated to agree.” Cecil said quietly, prompting a stare from the two freelancers and Carlos.

Church stood up again, still looking dazed.

“Now, I don’t want us to start throwing blame around,-” “I SURE AS HELL DO!” Sarge yelled, raising his shotgun up and a crazed look in his eye“-Shut up. But I think I know what happened. And you guys are not gonna like it.”

 

“Explain asshole, what happened?” Grif growled, looking surprisingly determined to solve the current massive problem.

“Somehow, while looking for responses to our cry for help, we managed to...lock onto… the radio broadcast from here. How in the fuck that brought us here, I still have no idea.” 

 

“Wow, thanks for clearing that up, you dick. What the hell.” Tucker scowled. 

“Is that why we don’t have our helmets?” Caboose asked, looking earnestly at Church.

 

“What the hell does that have to do with...oh holy shit he’s right. That’s always bad, shit. Where the hell are our helmets, our comms?!” Church returned to the crouched ball of pain, despair, and just overall emotions he had just stood up from, rocking on his heels now.   
“We’re so beyond fucked ohmygod.” 

 

“Well that kind of attitude is sure to help!” said a chipper voice from behind Carlos.

 

“Oh, gentlemen, lady, this is Sheriff Sam. They’re the head of the police force here.”  
“Why am I getting the strongest sense of deja vu?” Wash asked, studying the new additions face.   
“I don’t know how to respond to that, but I can assure you, we will do whatever we can to help solve this problem.” 

 

“Yeah! We’re not gonna just give up on this, so don’t you either!” Cecil added, his wide, excited grin offset by Carlos’ still-stunned, lost in thought expression.  
The mass of lost soldiers continued to stare (excluding Donut, who was still crumpled on the floor).  
“I reiterate: We are so beyond fucked.”

⥥⥣⥥⥣⥥⥣

“Okay let’s retrace what was all going on up until this point. What do you mean by ‘cry for help’?”  
“Oohhhh, we all just got done beating an army of evil mercenaries, and our not-enemy Locust helped us get the community tower going and we were getting ready to win a rescue when we showed up here...You have a very pretty desert.” Caboose explained. Carlos continued staring at him, before turning sharply to look at Wash.  
“How much of that should I pay attention to?”

 

“I mean, he’s not wrong, I guess. We’ve just spent the last very long, drawn out months of our universe, fighting a very, very, very hard war. It was essentially done and won when we ended up here.” Wash answered quietly. 

 

“We’ve lost people,” Carolina added, “I hesitate to say it given our current situation, but we’re some of the lucky few.”

 

“Which is yet another reason why we need to get our asses back there. I don’t know exactly how this is gonna work out, but it’s not gonna go well for the rest of Chorus if we’re gone.” Tucker continued.

“Yeah,” Simmons spoke up “What happens if we get back and everyone's...” 

“Don’t do that. We’ll be able to get this right, somehow.” Wash replied, tired confusion turning to set determination. “You said you would help? What exactly does that entail?” he asked Sam, turning to face his group again.

“Anything to get the redhead to stop glaring at me. She’s terrifying.” 

“Keep up the good work, ‘Lina.” Church mumbled from his position on the floor.

“It’s my resting face, god.”

“Can we help locate your helmets? They seem integral to this issue.” Carlos asked, taking a tentative step forward. This was definitely throwing a wrench into his evening, but this issue was far too scientifically interesting to let up on.

“That would be awesome, yes please.” Tucker answered enthusiastically. The other soldiers looked at Carlos in agreement.

“...Well alright then, hop to it, Sam. I know we can all count on you.” Cecil said, taking a strong hold of Carlos’ hand. 

“I won’t let you down, sirs! My finest officers will be put on the search. Best of luck to you, soldiers!”

“We should probably figure out more about this place while we’re at it.” Grif added, standing up with the others.

Carlos and Cecil gave each other a look. He hadn’t planned on this, but Carlos was damned sure he was going to do what he could. These people seemed to need all the help they could get.

“Let’s get to it.” he finally said, nodding resolutely.

“Does someone want to wake Donut up?”

⥥⥣⥥⥣⥥⥣

Church was 99% sure he wanted to die within the next five minutes. He had followed everyone out of the cell and was immediately grabbed by Caboose.

“Church? Can I hold your hand? I’m scared Church.” 

“Yeah, I guess you can,” Church replied in a strange act of kindness, for usually being an asshole. Caboose excitedly grabbed Church’s hand and squeezed it.   
The two men walked side by side out of the station with the others. Church smiled despite himself, watching Tucker and Wash chattering. They were in a hell of a problem, but fuck if it wasn’t a great setting. He forgot how few sunsets he had seen in the last few years.

“Carlos and I will take you around town, and if you wait, you might even be able to visit the station!” Cecil said excitedly. 

“Is that the station we picked up on all our comms?” Donut asked, giving Church and their new guides a glance.

“I knew I recognized your voice” Church exclaimed, “that story was weird as shit, but you’ve definitely got something special.”  
“Ah, I just read the news as it’s given to me.” Cecil responded, but Carlos smiled at the blush forming on his husband’s face.

“Wait, what do you mean news?” 

“Uh, the normal definition of news.”

“I feel like I’m missing something here, but I’m just gonna ignore it and hope it doesn’t impact anything.”

Just then, a massive shadow passed over the group of them. “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” was the first response from the group, made by a very mentally taxed Carolina.

“YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THIS, I’M JUST GONNA STOP TALKING.”

“Hey Hiram!” Carlos called up, waving his free hand.

The dragon landed with a resonant thud. Wash was softly screaming at this point. Carolina had all but thrown herself to the ground, and Church… well… Church was fuckin’ done. 

 

The gold head turned and smiled at the group of battle hardened individuals, most of whom were violently shaking by now. Caboose ran forward, ignoring Tucker’s yell of “Dude, the fuck, don’t do that.”

“HELLO MR. DRAGON. I LIKE YOUR HEADS!” Caboose looked like a midget next to the several-headed dragon.

“Howdy strangers...Cecil is there anything I should be worried about?” Tucker had drawn his energy sword at this point.

“We’ve just been showing these guys around. They’re...a tad lost.”

“Understatement of the fucking century” Grif said. He turned to go back to arguing with Simmons about the local pizza consumption laws to find in him with a lost, crazed expression.   
“By all human accounts on life, and existence in general, this could not be LESS FUCKING POSSIBLE!” Simmons, at this point, just kinda gave up and collapsed to his knees. “Why does this place exist? This isn’t a marvel, this a fucking mistake.” 

“Hey man I don’t think I bashed on your town at all.” the gray head added.

“I’M LOOKING AT A FUCKING DRAGON. SORRY IF I’M NOT AS WELL MANNERED AS YOU’D LIKE BUT THIS SHIT IS WEIRD. ARE YOU GUYS SURE THERE ISN’T SOME EASY WAY OUT OF ALL THIS BULL SHIT?!”

“Aw Simmons, don’t be like that,” Caboose said from his new position next to the violet head “I think this is the beginning of a BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP!” Simmons sniffed and he and Grif went back to ribbing as he asked Simmons if he was crying. 

“CABOOSE, PLEASE GET AWAY FROM THE MASSIVE DRAGON! LIKE, MORE FOR HIS SAKE THAN YOURS, HONESTLY.” Church yelled, snapping back into semi-reality. “Am I correct in assuming this is normal?” he asked, turning to Cecil and Carlos.

“Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff here I think you’ll have a similar reaction to.”

Introducing the very overwhelmed reds and blues to a literal five headed dragon went over surprisingly well. Caboose, of course, took a shine to Hiram and each of his heads. Green in particular was a hit, as he seemed to remind the soldiers of someone. After many minutes of excited questions and an embarrassing amount of chin scratches given by Caboose, the gang finally agreed to continue. Hiram hadn’t eaten dinner yet either, and Church was feeling uncomfortably close to all those teeth.   
As the actual fucking dragon ohmygod flew off, Church took the time to make sure none of the heads had taken an appetizer. Let’s see…  
Tucker? Check  
Carolina? Check  
Caboose? Unfortunately, check.   
Wash? Chec-. 

“Wait, where’s Wash? He was just here!” Tucker yelled as he too noticed.

“Oh, not this shit again.” Grif whined. 

As the soldiers immediately flew into a frenzy, Cecil felt his phone buzz in his pocket. 

“Uh, guys. I think this is him?” he yelled over their clattering voices.

“SHIT, is he okay?” Tucker asked, running over.

“Yeah, but we should probably get there fast. My intern isn’t what you’d call a people-person.” Cecil responded, handing the aqua-clad man his phone.

“‘Cecil, some highway-colored prick just came running into the station looking scared shitless, and now he’s in the men’s bathroom with...FOW?-” Tucker read outloud, pausing momentarily, “and I’m not dealing with this shit right now. My shift ends in an hour, and I am not above locking somebody in again when I leave.’-Yeah that’s him let’s go!” he shouted, tossing Cecil’s phone back as he started to run off.   
Carlos glanced at Carolina, who returned his confused look with a tired, apathetic stare. “This is basically our normal way of doing things”

“TUCKER!” Cecil tentatively yelled (as tentatively as one can yell, at least).  
Tucker skidded to a halt, glancing back at the rest of the group.

“The radio station is this way!”


End file.
